I remind couples that they will spend more time, ten times more, talking to each other than having sex. While this may not be true of your relationship when it ignites (you bunny rabbit couples), it will, I promise you, eventually be true. Nobody can wanka-wanka non-stop without, at the very least, taking a break for: bread, water, chit chat, and a restocking of lubricants. Think that’s funny? Take the oil away from an engine and see how long before it seizes. You get my point. Seriously, what is or should be the most attractive feature of a woman to us men?
Wrong answer if you’re thinking “Breast men,” “Ass men,” “Legs men,” and “Face men!” The other day I overheard an ignoramus say: “That’s a butter girl” she’d be hot ” ‘but her’ face is whack!” Any man who doesn’t realize that a woman’s most beautiful quality is her mind is out of his mind! But, who is to blame for all the “Ass men” and “Breast men,” etc. out there? Look, if I stripped butt naked (stay with me here don’t be scared) and lit myself on fire, I bet I could get a lot of people’s attention. But is hurting myself really worth the attention?
WOMEN, LISTEN UP!!! YOU’VE GOT TO STOP HURTING YOURSELVES IN ORDER TO GET ATTENTION! YOU LADIES ARE CAMOUFLAGING YOUR BEST ASSET: YOUR BRAIN! Following is a list of the top ten things you do, that while they get our attention, won’t keep our attention, and some of those things that you do to try to hook a man, bring much pain and discomfort. Moreover, do you really want a man that may be nothing but a bottom feeder or do you want to catch someone who will love you and not the equipment you just got installed? I’m getting side tracked. Here is the list of the top ten things YOU do everyday but most men would never consider doing them for YOU in a million years.
1. Put so much makeup on, that your skin can’t breathe and your face breaks out:
Then, when it does breakout, you put on concealer and twice as much makeup to cover it up! That makes no sense! The makeup caused the problem, so let’s put more on? There is nothing more beautiful than a woman who has just washed her face and radiates a fresh, clean scent!
2. Long fake nails that snap off during sex and lay hidden in the carpet, like thumbtacks, ready to take us out at 3:00 A.M. when we are on our way to the bathroom:
Why am I screaming and waking your ass up in the middle of the night? ‘Cause I got a three-inch splinter jammed under my big right toe and as I jumped around in pain, I ran into the dresser! When a man sees a woman with three inch long fingernails, there is only one thing that goes through his mind: “There goes one lazy chick!” Ain’t nothing good a woman can do in this world with giant claw-like nails except maybe scratch your back!
3. Butt crack jeans:
I know I’m going to take a lot of heat from my brothers-in-arms on this one ’cause there is nothing in this world a man appreciates more than a nice butt crack on a beautiful girl. But, the people selling butt crack jeans aren’t checking what kind of butt is going in these jeans! A little butt crack is one thing, the Grand Canyon is another! Ladies you don’t need to moon us in order to get us to love you. The goal is to “catch and keep,” and not “catch and release.”
Commonly referred to as “THONGS.” My God! How uncomfortable must they be?! I’ve been on the receiving end of a wedgy or two when I was young and I can tell you, I didn’t like it! Why would anybody sign up for this? Panty lines? Who cares?! The little fellas that I really feel sorry for are the little dust mites that are on the dental floss before they go deep, deep, deep under cover! There can’t be a dust mite alive at the end of a long, hot day when that thong finally hits the hamper! Ladies look: a nice ass is a nice ass is a nice ass! Panty lines, no panty lines, an attractive backside will be noticed if that is your goal. But seriously, do you really want us talking to you and making eye contact or craning our necks to see some junk in the trunk?
I don’t understand the idea of putting anything on your feet that is uncomfortable — pumps, spike heels, platforms, anything! If God wanted you to be taller he would have made you taller. Walking around on your toes all day hurting your feet for a few inches is ridiculous. You want to fix something, fix your posture! I’d rather eye ball a short girl in flats with good posture than a short girl in pumps with a humpback looking for a bell to ring. I like Jada Pinkett- Smith (wife of Will Smith). She is short but walks tall! Real men see high heel shoes as lack of confidence or someone they could blow a C note on for a good time! Stop throwing tons of money away on shoes that hurt your feet. If you stop buying them, they’ll stop making them.
6. Push-up Bras:
Most men aren’t Isaac Newton but we know about gravity and we know that breasts don’t magically point and lift themselves up towards the sky! Why would you lift and separate and then throw over them a low cut blouse for the world to see? They call the device that makes small breasts look bigger the “wonder bra.” What wonder? It’s a mirage! It’s false advertising! When the bra comes off, everything goes back to where it was! No mystery here! More of a disappointment! Even if you lure us in by raising and squeezing your breasts together, no man wants to stop there! There isn’t a victory dance till’ the bra comes off; then your gig is up! You might as well stuff your bra with Kleenex or those little spongy filet cutlets! If you’re going to lie about a couple of boobs then what can we believe? Why do women with small breasts want to look big and women with large breasts want to look small? That is one thing I like about runway models; whatever they got, big or small (and they are mostly small) they are proud of them! I may not know the secrets to the universe but I can tell you that if you hate even one part of your body, that hate will eat you up like a cancer ’till that’s all you see. Love what you call your “imperfections” because they look perfect to us.
7. Fake Breasts:
I can’t leave out breast implants. WOMEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHY WOULD YOU GO UNDER ANY ELECTIVE SURGERY THAT COULD JEOPARDIZE YOUR LIFE? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS SURGERY IF YOU KNEW THERE WAS A 25% to 50% CHANCE THAT WITHIN 5 YEARS YOU WOULD REQUIRE CORRECTIVE SURGERY? FOR US? We’re not worth it! Any man that loves a woman MORE because she has fake breasts is an idiot! For yourself? Are you saying God made a mistake with you that needs fixing. This is crazier than all the previous six combined, changing yourself based on society’s perception of beauty? And when I say society I’m referring to all the marketing companies on Madison Avenue who want to make a quick buck at your expense by telling you how beautiful you could be! This one is real simple: Ladies, don’t let anybody cut into your body unless your life depends on it. If everyone around you tells you that they don’t like you the way you are, then you need new friends not new breasts!
8. All other Cosmetic surgery:
Botox, facelift, butt lift, tummy tuck, liposuction, etc. AGAIN: Don’t let anyone cut into your body unless your life depends on it. If I have to explain how stupid it is injecting a botulinum toxin that paralyzes your face, then you can stop reading now! I got nothing else to say! Wrinkles? Since when are wrinkles something to be ashamed of? When I see wrinkles I see fortitude, wisdom, beauty, sophistication, grace, elegance, intelligence. Old you say? What’s wrong with old? Ponder the alternative. If you see wrinkles as anything other than beauty you need to get your eyes checked. Face lift, butt lift, liposuction? I’ll say this once more: celebrate your imperfections, don’t try to fix them! They are what make you look unique! Do you really want to look like everyone else?
9-10. Body Piercing and Tattoos:
According to New York University, psychology professor Paul Vitz (as is argued in his book “Psychology as Religion”) “Cosmetic mutilation has now been able to enter the mainstream culture only because of the revival of paganism and the eclipse of the Judeo-Christian ethic.” Hmm….well, I think that’s a stretch. But I do agree with his use of the term “Cosmetic Mutilation.” To punch holes and scar your body seems like the ultimate crazy act (besides suicide) to draw attention. Think about what this person is saying by their actions: “What I have to say, think, or do on its own merits isn’t enough to get you to notice, like, love, care for, or be with me, so I have to destroy and cover up my own skin.” People who have to apply meaning to themselves by putting artwork or symbols permanently on their skin can’t like themselves very much, if at all. Of course there are people that tell me it is an act of self-expression; a reuniting of the mind and body that has split; that a tattoo or piercing is a redefining of the self from the group so individualism or uniqueness can be created. Look, last time I checked we were all born unique. Unless you are an identical twin, there isn’t anyone else like you. To put on the same tattoos that other people have seems like a way to be more like someone else than it does about being unique. If anything, tattoos and piercing’s are a way to be more accepted for the person who feels alone. By getting a piercing or tattoo they can be a part of a club or a group of people that have done the same thing so that they can be accepted. Piercing’s and tattoos are more a cry for help than they are individualism. It is much harder knowing and learning who you are than taking the easy way out and changing your “book cover” so someone will automatically like you. Even something as common as diamond earrings is just a way to receive compliments. Think about it. Earrings are the only type of jewelry that can’t be seen or appreciated by the owner unless they look in a mirror or get a compliment.
On July 14th 2005 on the Today Show, Katie Couric said: “It is about time to show real women, real beauty. Not this unattainable, unreachable version of what we are fed beauty is supposed to be.” According to a recent survey (as reported on July 14th, 2005, Today Show) two thirds of women strongly agree that the media and advertising set an unrealistic standard of beauty that women can’t ever achieve; and the impact of that is:
- Only 13% of women are very satisfied with their body weight and shape
- Only 2% of women around the world consider themselves beautiful
- More than half of all women say their bodies disgust them.
Ladies, all Ladies, I’m talking to you. This one is easy: If you love yourselves, we’ll love you.
by Fred Cuellar the Diamond Guy®