So, what happened? How in the time it takes to snap your fingers did Mark lose it all? I’ll give you a hint—the bachelor party. What’s that you say? How could a little bachelor party destroy two people’s beautiful future? That’s not for me to say. It’s for you to decide.

Las Vegas has a motto: “What happens here, stays here.” Well, let me tell you something, that’s not reality…not in Vegas, not on a guy’s weekend fishing trip, not on guy’s night out in Anytown, USA. Who you are is not something that can be put on hold. There are no time-outs in life where the game clock stops and whatever you do is no longer part of the game for recorded history. There are always consequences to your actions.

What did Mark do? Maybe it was something as simple as having a bachelor party when he said he wouldn’t. Maybe it was one more oat that needed sowing—it could have been a million different things, but the moral is the same. In each of us lies a line we know we shouldn’t cross, a line where we become someone we aren’t. Where is it? It’s different for each one of us, but each one of us has it. The tale I just told is a fictitious one, but it could have just as easily been true. Want to have a bachelor party? Go ahead. But don’t let anyone force you to cross that line. Don’t let this story become your story.

by Julie Seitz and Fred Cuellar

“IF GIVEN AN OPPORTUNITY FOR A BIGGER, BETTER QUALITY ENGAGEMENT RING, WOULD YOU TAKE THE RING IF IT MEANT YOU HAD TO GIVE UP (TRADE IN) YOUR EXISTING RING?”

Fifty four percent of the women replied no and 46% replied yes. After the question was asked and answered they were purposely misinformed that the reasoning behind the question was to help men in choosing the perfect engagement ring. They were told that men would be advised that if they believed their “fiancé to be” was in the 54% group then they should opt for a larger diamond (something she could grow into) since she was going to be wearing it for the rest of their life. The men who believed their new bride would opt to “trade up” should buy smaller since this wasn’t the “forever” diamond, but a stand-in until the permanent replacement or replacements would follow down the line. The participants were asked to keep in touch if they were going to move because the interviewers wanted to see if their attitudes changed as the years went on. Anyone who disagreed with the ground rules was replaced with a like person. It was agreed that all the participants’ names and information would be kept confidential.

Unbeknown to the participants, the study was not designed to study behavioral patterns in size preferences, but to track marital success rates. Interestingly enough, no correlation could be found on the way the question was answered due to any particular age, ethnicity or educational background. Just as many in each group was on either side of the fence on the question. Those in the 54% group had the same mantra, “No one’s taking my diamond! This diamond is priceless! I don’t care if you got a 10ct diamond in your hand to give me, it can’t replace the sentimental attachment this diamond has to me. I know it’s not perfect or the biggest rock on the block but its mine. My symbol! My love! My eternal love! I can tell you to the last detail everything about the day I received it. What my man said, where we were, what song was on the radio and the first person we told. Nope, I’m sorry if the deal that’s on the table is I only get the new one by giving up old faithful you can forget about it. Now if you’re saying I can keep my old diamond and introduce it to a new friend well, now, maybe we can talk. My diamond has said to me a couple of times it gets lonely.”

The 46 % group was pretty adamant on their side too! “Are you kidding?! Where’s the recycle bin?! If bigger and better comes along, you take it! Look, you don’t keep the first house you ever get. If I want a memory, I’ll take a picture! Where’s my new ring?”

Predictions
Not being a clinical psychiatrist myself I was curious what predictions a top, board-certified psychiatrist might have as to which group (the 54% romantics, the 46% materialistics) would have a better chance at happily ever after wedded bliss. Dr. Frank Montalvo M.D. Ph.D. predicted that after 15 years the materialistic group would be pummeled with divorce. Prediction: 15-18% would still be around to celebrate another anniversary and 82-85% would have already been through divorce court.

Prediction: The romantic group would stave off divorce far better. His prediction was that approximately 80% would still be together with 20% having left for greener pastures.

Results
Five Year Mark
At the five year mark it appears that the doctor is barking up the wrong tree. The romantic group has suffered approximately a 10% divorce rate and the materialistic group a 9.8% divorce rate. At this point there appears to be no discernible differences between the groups. The materialistic group is not on course to do any better or worse based on their numbers.

Ten Year Mark
By the ten year mark something unexpected happened. The romantics’ divorce rate had slowed down and the materialistics had raced forward. Fifty-two percent of those that would trade in were now divorced and 16% of the romantics, were divorced. While there had been a 60% increase of the romantics to divorce the materialistics numbers had increased five fold!

Fifteen Year Mark
When the final numbers came in I was dumfounded, and in awe of Doctor Montalvo’s remarkable, almost psychic ability to nail his predictions. Eighty one percent of the group that said they would gladly upgrade were now divorced while their apparently overly romantic counterparts enjoyed a 78% martial success rate! The only question that I had now was why? “The answer is quite simple,” said Dr. Frank Montalvo. “There are a great many of us, to put it bluntly that don’t like ourselves. They use the trappings of success as a cloak to disguise this disdain that they have to try to make themselves feel better. Selfishness is another reason. People that are always asking what’s in it for me with little regard for others, tend to make a poor mate.”
Finally, we have found that if a person is hard-wired to up-grade their ring for a bigger and better one; their car for a bigger and better one; their house for a bigger and better one; it is not too much of a reach to see that if a bigger or better mate comes along they won’t think twice about trading him or her in either!

Final Thoughts
Interestingly, as the years went by each of the participants were asked if they would reconsider their original decision. By the 15th year 79.1% of the romantics who said they would never consider trading in their original diamond had actually now reconsidered. While their emotional attachment towards their original rock was still quite high, they felt that it no longer represented who they were now. Many of them opted for new mountings (platinum settings) and others traded in the whole thing. (Half of the 79.1% kept and retired their old ring to be passed down to the next generation while the other half waved it goodbye.)

It appeared there was not an actual connection between trading in or upgrading the original ring. It was the initial belief that they could see themselves easily trading in the ring from the beginning that turned out to be the fly in the ointment. In other words, it signaled a lack of commitment.
The final head scratcher I pondered is, of the 22% of the original romantics that ended up in divorce, 97.4% never wavered on their original answer. Is it possible that a bride or groom that was unwilling to change their attitudes ended up stagnating in their relationship because they tried to hold on so desperately to that original love without allowing it to grow and mature? I don’t have all the answers. But what I can tell you is this. In the end those that anticipated a change and those that refused to change ended up in the same place. Back where they started.

by Fred Cuellar the Diamond Guy®

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream and not make dreams your master,
If you can think and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to,
Broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out
Tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And which is more you’ll be a Man, my son!

–Rudyard Kipling
Volume 1, Issue 2
December 30, 2002

Scenario #1:
It’s 11:30, lights out, you’ve just finished watching Leno and you’ve given your wife a good night kiss. A few minutes pass… you’re drifting off…when you suddenly hear your Boo Bear say, “Honey, if I ever died would you ever remarry?” What do you do?

Scenario #2:
You’re invited to your ten-year class reunion. Your woman squeezes into her old cheerleading outfit and remarks, “My goodness! It still fits! How do I look? Do I look fat?” Would you say:

 

Scenario #3:

It’s your anniversary and your wife has surprised you with a candle lit dinner for two. As you cut into the Cornish game hen dust rises from the incision you’ve just made. As you take your first bite you’re reminded of the Sahara Desert. “How do you like it? I’ve slaved over a hot stove for four hours.” What do you say?

Scenario #4:
Your wife’s best friend just completed her thesis towards her Ph.D. Your spouse ponders whether her own accomplishments in life are as worthy and asks, “Honey, in the big scheme of things do I make a difference?” Do you say:

Scenario #5:
After your wife’s best friend receives her new Ph.D., her husband pops for a new rack and face-lift for her. Your wife is appalled and says, “I can’t believe it, first she tries to prove she’s smarter than everyone else and now she’s trying to look 20 years younger. Why won’t she just grow old gracefully? Honey, do I need a face-lift?” What do you say?

There are five areas where telling the truth may be detrimental to your health. Discussing your wife’s mortality, weight, age, accomplishments or her cooking. Tread softly. If the truth hurts and it usually does, keep your mouth shut or tell a lie. While honesty is usually the best policy, staying alive and your wife’s happiness is a bigger priority.

by Fred Cuellar the Diamond Guy®

2. Allowing other women to try on the ring: It’s smart to get a second opinion, but don’t use your fiancée’s friends as guinea pigs. Make sure your fiancée is the first of her friends to see and wear her ring, and let her enjoy the fun of showing it off for the first time.

3. Leaking the news: When you’re ready to pop the question, don’t spill the beans to too many “confidants”. Sharing the news with friends and family is more exciting if you do it together.

4. Forgetting her family: Pull your manners out of the closet and call the appropriate member of her family for “the talk”. According to a recent survey conducted by Korbel*, 42 percent of Americans feel the act of asking a woman’s family for her hand—whether it be her father, mother or even a sibling—is still a time-honored tradition.

5. Playing hide and seek with the ring: Imagine this; you’re about to propose to your girlfriend when she swallows the ring because you “cleverly” hid it in an ice cream cone or cocktail. Sending your fiancée to the emergency room might not be the best way to start your future.

6. Staging a practical joke: Minutes before the proposal, throwing your girlfriend off by convincing her that you’re in jail or that you won’t be ready for marriage for years could have unintended consequences.

7. Missing the VIP treatment: Do your research and you’ll find that many venues are happy to create a special setting for your proposal. For example, many theaters will schedule private screenings, restaurants can provide champagne toasts and amusement parks can offer private rides.

8. Exhibiting suspicious behavior: As proposal time approaches, make sure your behavior remains consistent with how you act on a daily basis. Repeatedly touching your pocket to make sure the ring is secure and coming up with off-the-wall excuses for your whereabouts can both be giveaways to the bride-to-be.

9. Acting like you settled: A surefire way to ruin any proposal is to start with any of the following statements;

10. Losing sight of what the proposal is all about: Your proposal will be perfect if it is honest, heartfelt and passionate.

A gentleman opens a door for a lady and stands when she walks into a room. If he’s seated somewhere and there are not enough seats for everyone, he gives up his seat for her. A gentleman doesn’t use foul language in front of women or children. To be a man is to treat others how you would like to be treated. It means being honest; not 75% of the time or when it’s convenient but 24/7. It means standing up or speaking up for those who can’t do so for themselves. It’s fighting for the rights and opinions of others even when they don’t agree with yours. Do you think you’re a man? A man with character? Give me an answer to the following scenario. You’ve been to the grocery store, bought $300.00 of groceries and upon arriving home you realize you received $1.50 too much in change, what would you do? Wait! Before you answer I’ll share with you how 90% of the people answered who were asked the same question. They said they would keep it. It’s the lottery, not their mistake. Why should they be inconvenienced to drive all the way back? Seven percent said they would return it on their next visit. Two percent said they would call the manager and tell him or her what happened to make sure some cashier wouldn’t get into trouble for a simple mistake. Then ask the manager what they should do. One percent said they would get in their car and return the $1.50.

What would you do? Have you answered in your head? Good. Now, let’s raise the stakes; what if it were $10.00, $20.00, a $100.00? It’s funny how the answer changes for most people. One person I asked said at $100.00 “I’d have to return it because I couldn’t live with myself”. Does morality have a price? Should it? This question reminds me of the old joke where a guy asks a girl if she would sleep with him for a million dollars. Her response, “Ah, well, yeah, I guess for a million dollars I’d have to say yes.” Then he hands her a $10.00 bill. She says, “What’s this?” He replies, “I already know what kind of person you are, now we’re just negotiating price!

I guess my real question is does morals have an on/off switch? Turn it on when it suits us and off when it doesn’t? How about integrity, justice, fairness, honor? Are we allowed the same on/off switch with them? A lot of people I interviewed doing this article said there’s a difference between a little lie and a big lie. They called the little lies, “white lies”. Like putting a white cowboy hat on some lies makes them more palatable. “Keeping money that doesn’t belong to you,” they would say, “isn’t stealing until it becomes a significant amount.” That’s like saying someone is a little pregnant. As men if we are to be taken seriously we need to decide what represents us and take a stand. One man I interviewed told me it didn’t matter how much extra change they got. His answer was still the same, lottery, lottery, lottery. I’ll tell you this, I have 1000% more respect for that guy versus the weasels that say taking small amounts of money is okay but not large amounts. A lie is a lie. Stealing is stealing.

One of the last people I interviewed had the most poetic answer to the question, “What is a man with character?” His response, “A man with a conscience, a man with a soul.” A man that is smart enough to realize that what he takes from others he takes from himself and what he returns to others makes him whole.

My final question is to you; what kind of man do you want to be?

One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It’s the loneliest number since the number one

I used to love that song and believed its message; nothing can be lonelier than being by yourself. Two can be as bad as one or being with someone else can be as bad as being by yourself but clearly there is no hope for being alone. So when I ask the question, “When is it time to get married?” It almost implies a rite of passage we must undertake if we are to be happy. I mean who would ask the question, “When is it time to stay single?” Naw, that makes no sense since the song clearly states two is the only number that has a chance. But is the song right?

After a lot of reflection I realized that we live in a society where “one” gets a bad rap. Think about it, if a male or female friend of yours is single and getting up in age, nobody says, “Good for him, Mr. Independent!” No, everybody says, “What’s wrong with him? Doesn’t anybody love him? At least he has his friends.” Or God forbid a woman! Turn thirty and she should be sent to a nunnery or off to spinster pre-school. We are brought up believing in soul mates and not being completed till Mr. Right or Miss Right comes along. And you know what? We are wrong! Two may be less lonely, but two doesn’t equal joy.

For example, have you ever been with someone so long that you want to pull out your hair and if pushed hard enough you’d scream out, “Look I just have to have my own space!!?” I bet you have. Look at the Buddhists. Inner peace and happiness comes from within when we find our center, our purpose, our reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Look, I’ll repeat the question, “When is it time to get married?” Or put a much better way, “When is it time to share your life with someone?” That answer is simple. When you know who you are, know where you’re going and have some idea how to get there. Then you can figure out if someone is headed in the same direction and wants to share the ride of a lifetime.

by Fred Cuellar the Diamond Guy®

Heck, even the better part of my adolescence was spent on the question. And it’s always the minute I get close to the answer that I’d be sent blindly into a black hole of confusion. Women are a lot like a golf swing — just when you think you have mastered it, your next ball slices off the fairway. Women by definition equal confusion or that which lacks explanation. So hand in hand with the search for the meaning of life, I ventured out on this crusade to answer the one question which seems to defy logic. What do women want?

At the beginning of my search I had to accept the possibility that the question may not even have an answer. I mean certainly not all women think the same, so how in heaven can they all want the same thing? A single gal can’t possibly have the same needs as a married gal. A career woman can’t possibly relate to a homemaker. A teenager can’t crave what a 20 to 30 year old might or for that matter a senior citizen. Women are different so they must want different things. Right?

Well, kinda and kinda no. There are if you look carefully some common things all women want. How do I know? I asked them. Here are my results.

Women want it all or none of it. They want to be understood but not type-cast; they want to be happy but allowed to be sad; they want companionship but don’t need someone to be happy; they want honesty but seldom the truth; they want equality while being placed on a pedestal and most of all they want respect. Respect for who they are, where they’ve come from and where they are going. Don’t pity them, coddle them or treat them with kid gloves. Today’s woman is a woman of diversity and contradictions. What she wants today is not what she will want tomorrow because she is setting new goals. Why men can’t figure women out is because they are a masterpiece in progress. A woman doesn’t grow old; she just gets better. Wonder why you can’t put lightning in a bottle? Because it just moves too quick.

Just like women. Ask your average man what 2 + 2 equals and he’ll say “4” every time. Ask a woman and she’ll say “looks like a little get together.” Women are always one step ahead and always will be.

If we are to keep up there are a few keys to our survival. Number one, listen. Number two, listen. Number three, listen. See a pattern here? We men do a lot of hearing and not enough listening. Want to stay out of trouble? Listen. Want to be the man of the house? Listen. Want to have a long loving relationship? Listen. My God, listen till the blood drips from your ears; listen till you want to scream out a solution; listen until she has nothing left to say and when she’s done, shut up and listen some more. Women are the caregivers and if you want her to give, you’d better do some caring.

Number four, hug her. Hug her in the morning, hug her before you leave to work, e-mail her a hug and hug her ten times when you get home. A woman is a fire. Want to keep her burning? You have to fan the flames. You do that with hugs.

Number five, don’t lie. Don’t white lie, don’t sugar coat the truth, tell it like it is. A woman can forgive a lot of things but she won’t put up with a snake in the grass liar. If you screw up, lost your Christmas bonus at the track, forgot to take out the trash, catches you staring at another woman, give it up, take your licks and move on. I repeat, a woman can forgive anything, but she will not allow herself to be disrespected. Lie to a woman you are dissing her. Tell the truth, you live to play another day.

Six, structure. Every woman I talked to listed structure in their top three needs. A woman wants stability, balance, a sense of order. She wants someone she can rely on. You say you’re going to be home at 6:00, you be home at 6:00. Running late? Call. The hardest thing for us guys is to differenciate between support and total control. Creating a foundation and stability doesn’t mean trying to solve all the problems to the point you disempower the one you love. Your love is not a crutch but a bond. A bond where dependability is synonymous with trust.

Seven, love them. Love them most of all. Let it all out. Let it all out every day, every minute of every second of every day. Be love, crawl up inside of it and approach every problem with the question what would love do now? If you do this, fear will never enter your life.

What do women want? They just want to be happy like us. They just have a different way to show it. If you learn their language, listen when you’d rather speak, hug instead of just walking away, tell the truth till it hurts, be a man she can depend on and love her like you love yourself. You’ll no longer ask what women want, they’ll be asking you what you want and give it to you.

by Fred Cuellar the Diamond Guy®

If I came home late
would you ponder about me
or your dinner plate

When the children cry
will you call out my name
so their screams won’t interfere
with your playoff game

Am I your reason for living
or a convenience in life

Do you think more of me as a maid
or do I still count as your wife

I still remember
when you dropped to one knee
you said you’d liberate me
you said you’d set me free

But all I’ve done
is replace one cell for another
you don’t want a companion
you want a replacement for your mother

So if you ever want me back
be the man you used to be
the man who put me first
the man who used to see

If I wasn’t here tomorrow
would you wonder where I had gone
you used to have me in your arms
but it’s time to say so long

Signed,
Taken for granted

by Fred Cuellar the Diamond Guy®

True it’s a made up word but it does have its origin. It comes from the word, “coma” (unconscious, can’t wake up) and “utopia” (a country of perfection). The irony is “comatopia” is a perfect place to live but you can’t appreciate it because you’re out like a light. “Comatopia” is a land every man, young man or schoolboy will visit, is visiting or is stuck in right now. We did not buy a ticket there or were forced there against our will. We volunteered gladly.

Let me explain: When a man/boy meets a woman/girl, his brain goes through an almost instantaneous checklist:

¯ Face
¯ Breasts
¯ Booty
¯ Legs

Then a quick addition followed by a question that if answered, “yes” is a weekend pass into “comatopia.”

¯ “Would I do her?”

The minute a man asks and answers this question to himself, he not only has entered “comatopia” but will be stuck there till he gets kicked out, takes a cold shower or rounds third base. “Comatopia” is a state of mind where a man says and does things purely for the possibility of a booty call. Is she smart? Who cares! Is she kind? Who cares! Are you compatible? Who cares! Who cares! Who cares! I’m in combat mode, get the booty, get the booty.

Women, most of them, are more evolved. They have the capability of not just evaluating the book by its cover but they’ll even skim a few chapters. Women make educated decisions. Men make “comatopia” decisions. There are very few women who will sleep with a man they don’t like, but ask any man from “comatopia” the same question and he’ll snap right back, “What does liking somebody and sex have to do with each other?” I’m not proud that “comatopia” exists or that I’ve even visited there more than once. What I’m trying to do is make all men aware of it so they will stop making fools of themselves for superficial reasons.

1.) You don’t go out with a girl just because she passes the extremely low, low bar of “I’d do her.”

2.) Realize that big breasts do not compensate for character flaws.

3.) Ask yourself if this new person in your life meets the standards of going from an unknown to an acquaintance to being your friend before you even consider how hot she is or isn’t or whether you should do the horizontal shuffle.

4.) I know trying to act like “007’ may be fun but women can see through a phony in a heartbeat. Be yourself, at least if you’re shot down you won’t spend the rest of your life wondering if she hated the real you or your poor James Bond impression. It’s true the truth can hurt sometimes and it may be brutal but without it we can’t make adjustments at half time to be a better person.

The key for men in finding “Miss Right” versus “Miss Right Now” is to fall for who she is, what she believes in, not how she fills out a swimsuit. If on top of all that she’s beautiful too, you truly are a lucky man. But you know what? If you do allow yourself to get to know and fall in love with the person inside first, I guarantee the book cover won’t matter. Just look at us, how many Robert Redfords and Brad Pitts are among us? Not many, but we’re loved anyway. We can learn a lot from women and very little from “comatopia.”

by Fred Cuellar the Diamond Guy®