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Battle of The Bling
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to another wonderful season of boxing! Tonight we will crown the undisputed Queen of Bling. Some of the faces you’ve seen before; others are newcomers to the ring. Let’s take a look at the challengers.
CHALLENGER #1
Melania “Strike A Pose” Knauss:
Managed out of the Trump corner
Donald has backed a couple of fighters in
the past, but none has been able to go the distance. He’s putting all
his chips on his new protégé and hopefully she’ll be able to deliver
the goods.
Tale of the Tape
Age: 33
Weight: She’s sporting a 12 carat flawless
emerald cut with tapered baguettes, set in platinum.
Reported Value: $2 million
Real Value: $480,000
Cut Man (Jeweler): House
of Graff
Prediction (Meaning of ring, its wearer and buyer):
Large emerald cuts
have a history of showing strength, power and fortitude. Let’s
not forget ex-champ Elizabeth Taylor’s old 33.19 carat emerald
cut (The Krupp; given to her by Richard Burton in 1968) set the
precedent for baubles that boggle the mind.
Ever since,
emerald cuts have been a staple for any up and coming contender. While
the emerald cut diamond is usually a choice to reflect understated
elegance,
that is all “Trumped” when
it is super-sized. In this case it tells a different story. It tells us
that its wearer is either pretentious or its buyer is an egomaniac—sometimes
both. Large, poorly-cut emerald cuts (non-65/65) are favorites of “sugar
daddies” who
want a lot of “bling” but don’t want a lot of “sting” in the bank account.
Off-make (poorly proportioned), heavy-bellied emerald cuts can cost half
as much as a
well-cut round!
(Photo Courtesy of US Weekly
Magazine)
CHALLENGER #2
Anna “Take a Look at my Backhand” Kournikova:
Managed out of the Iglesias corner
Enrique
has been quoted as saying, “I believe in settling down, but I don’t think you have to be married to someone to be in love with them. I just believe in being in love.” He hasn’t found himself in this position before, but his fighter, Anna, is no stranger to the “matrimonial ring.” Having divorced herself from her previous promoter, hockey star Sergei Federov.
Tale of the Tape
Age: 24
Weight: A monstrous 11 carat natural pink pear shape in a simple semi-mount
with diamond accents.
Reported Value: $5.4 million
Real Value: $2.52
million or $210,000 per carat!
Cut Man: Argyle Diamonds--used to
be the largest mining operation in the
world in Western Australia; now practically depleted and expected
to
close up shop in 2008.
Translation: There aren’t going to be
many more 12 carat pink pears out there!
Prediction: Pear-shaped
diamonds have the second highest divorce rate (second only
to the marquise). While the pink pear packs quite a punch ($$$$$),
it lacks originality. Not the first on the block with a pink
and the last pink got knocked out in the last round, days before
the altar. Remember J Lo? Pears are a popular choice for men
who believe size matters. Pinks are also popular among fight
promoters because everyone knows they are expensive. What the
Iglesias corner has to remember is “Money can’t buy me love,” or
a title.
(Photos Courtesy of US Weekly Magazine)
CHALLENGER #3
Brandy “The Kid” Norwood: Managed
by Quentin Richardson (NBA star of the L.A. Clippers)
Richardson
is a brash and impulsive fight promoter, but this is his first
time in with the heavy-weights. He brings with him a spotless record
(his first
title match). Richardson’s corner has youth on his side but, of course, with
youth comes inexperience.
Tale of the Tape
Age: 25
Weight: An 11 - carat diamond
powerhouse--classic round center with accenting rounds and channel-set
inlaid diamonds
in a hand-tooled embroidered platinum
band.
Reported Value: $1 million
Real Value: $598,000
Cut Man: Jason Arasheben Prediction: Round diamonds
have the highest success rate of any shape in the ring. Round wearers
are wholesome, religious, old-fashioned
and traditional.
Brandy’s particular ring not only says a lot about how much money
was spent, but how much care was put into crafting it. All the hand-tooling
and precisely
placed diamonds in the band show that Richardson didn’t
just throw this ring together at the last minute (although it was reported
to have been completed just 30 minutes before the proposal). It must
have taken
weeks to design and much longer to produce. It has been proven that
the more time a man spends in designing and shopping for a ring,
the more
serious
he is about the commitment he is about to make. A typical man will
only shop
for three
days and visit.
(Photos Courtesy of US Weekly Magazine)
THE CURRENT TITLE HOLDER
Jennifer “The Rock” Lopez,
aka J Lo: Managed by Marc Anthony and Company (new management)
Marc “My Personal Life is None of Your Business” Anthony has managed fighters in and out of the ring before. He’s no stranger to a good fight, or promoting one.
Tale of the Tape
Age: 33
Weight: J Lo is sporting an 8 carat
square cut Asscher diamond…white. (Pink
is no longer her favorite color.)
Reported Value: None reported
Real Value: $120,000
Cut Man: No one is talking
Prediction: While
J Lo’s diamond is a little under weight for this competition,
she does have a lot of boxing ring experience; plus she has technically
already wed. For anyone else, the Asscher (square emerald cut) would
signify simple
elegance—someone trying to be non-pretentious. Since Asschers have
less than half the light return as every other shape on the market,
Asscher
wearers in
general believe “the diamond should accentuate the woman, the woman
should not accentuate the diamond.” Asscher
wearers are self-assured and used to being in control. They give the
orders. Since Asschers are less obtrusive than their shoe box-shaped
cousin, the
standard emerald cut, the wearer is usually not trying to be something
they are not.
At the heart of an Asscher wearer is basically someone who just wants
to be loved
for themselves.
Okay folks, the challengers and the current title
holder have had the rules explained to them in the dressing room.
This will be a ten round bout. The three knock down rule is in
effect, and you can’t be saved by the bell. If everyone is ready…LET’S GET READY TO BLI-I-I-I-I-I-NG!
ROUND ONE:
Anna is the first in the ring and
puts a staggering combination right in J Lo’s face. J Lo counters with an upper-cut but doesn’t connect. Brandy telegraphs a bomb to Melania’s right jaw that knocks her to the canvas. Seven, eight, nine, ten…she’s out! Melania’s over-weight rock is out of the match! Anna jabs, jabs and connects with a round house to the champ’s jaw and she’s not getting up. J Lo is K.O.’d! Repeat, J Lo is K.O.’d! Now Anna turns her massive pink bling on Brandy “The Kid.” They’re staring each other down. Wait, folks, what is “The Kid” doing?! She’s reaching for a mirror and showing Anna how foolish she looks with that copy-cat, last year’s, trendy, wanna-be “bling” and she’s
out! Anna has swung, missed, and knocked herself out!! Brandy is the new Queen
of Bling! I repeat, Brandy is the new Queen of Bling! What an upset, ladies and
gentlemen. This is Fred Cuellar, reporting live for US Weekly
Magazine.
Commentator: Fred Cuellar, The
Diamond Guy®
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