|
Ask LaTeace
Answers to Your Questions
Some of these questions have pressed LaTeace to
search deep within to find an answer, some were simple matters of
what makes the most sense and some of them… well, you've just
got to read to believe!
NEW! Q. how
to keep a long distance relationship intact.
A. The answer,
which you’re not going to like to hear is this; you can’t
have a long distance relationship and expect it to work. If you
perceive distance in your relationship whether you live in the same
city or another country you’re not going to make it. Distance
isn’t miles, distance is lack of contact and I’m not talking
physically, you don’t need to be in the same room to touch
someone’s soul.
Long distance relationships
survive only one way; remove the distance.
1. Q: I’ve been flirting
with a guy in my building for months. He always flirts back but
hasn’t asked me out. I’m old-fashioned and can’t
bring myself to ask him. What do I do?
A: Well, there are a few things
to look into here. He may be flirting just for the fun of it. He
may even have a wife or a girlfriend. He may be shy. Find out his
availability. If he’s available give him every signal you can
think of as well as verbally letting him know you’re interested.
If he still doesn’t make a move, you have to decide whether
or not you want this one to get away. If you think he’s worth
it, get rid of your old rules. Who knows, he could be "the
one". Sometimes guys are afraid to be shot down so they don’t
even attempt to ask us out. They stay in the safe zone to protect
their ego. You should step up to the plate.
2. Q: My husband gave me a pendant
for my birthday that’s absolutely awful. Should I keep it and
suffer or tell him, which will really hurt his feelings?
A: This is a relationship should
be based on honesty. Let him know how much you appreciate his thoughtfulness
and generosity but the pendant really isn’t your taste. Then
either give him ideas of what you might like or suggest that the
two of you pick out something together. That way he’s still
involved and you get what you like. Now you’ll be excited about
the pendant and he’ll beam with pride.
3. Q: When is it too early to have
sex?
A: This is a loaded question. When
you’re not ready because you don’t know whom you’re
dealing with. People can put up false fronts for a very long time.
Get that person you’re interested in, in real situations, not
fluff ones to see what they’re made of and whether you really
want to share yourself with them. If you’re just interested
in sex then anytime can be the right time, but if you’re really
interested in a relationship take time to get to know each other.
Don’t do this in a vacuum; just the two of you together. You
need to experience how they interact with you and others. How do
they relate to their mom and dad, authority figures, co-workers,
siblings and friends? Seeing someone in a variety of situations
with a variety of people, mainly ones they care for and respect
gives you a glimpse into who they really are and whether that is
someone you’d like to wake up next to. More often than not
it’s not just the sex we’re looking for but someone we
can spend the rest of our lives with. Isn’t that worth taking
the extra time to get to know them?
4. Q: Is living together before
marriage a bad idea?
A: This is a very personal decision,
but I think it’s a great idea. When we date we are generally
on our best behavior. We can keep that up for a very long time if
we get to go back to our own place and regroup. The more you’re
around each other the more you relax and show your true selves.
Everyone has their own little quirks, especially the ones no one
else sees because we indulge them in the privacy of our own home.
Being together in those moments lets us share who we truly are with
our partner and isn’t that what we all want; someone who loves
us just as we are.
5. Q: My friend and his wife invited
me to a swingers club. I’m interested and need suggestions
on how to get my wife to go.
A: Communication is the key. Tell
her you’re interested and why. Discuss what you’re looking
to get out of the experience and how far you would like to go. Above
all you need to be honest with yourself and figure out why you want
to do this and then be honest with her. The whole idea may be intimidating
to her. Allow her to discuss her fears and/or excitement. When you
open this door it opens both ways. "What’s good for the
goose is good for the gander." If you expect to get "touchy
feely" with someone else she has the right to do so as well.
That does not mean her with another woman. If that is her choice
then fine, but men believe if they are with another woman and their
wife is with another woman it’s equal. Well it’s not!
If you get to be with another woman she gets to be with a man if
she chooses. One of men’s biggest fantasies is being with two
women or watching woman-on-woman action. That serves you, not her.
Expressing one’s sexuality can be a great experience as long
as all the lines of communication are open. Go with your eyes open
or not at all.
6. Q: Lately I’ve been attracted
to other females. I’m not sure whether or not I’m lesbian,
so I want to kiss another female to find out. I have someone in
mind but I’m not sure how to approach her. What should I do?
A: Just kissing another female won’t
tell you if you’re a lesbian. It will tell you whether you
like kissing that particular female. You may enjoy the kissing but
not the intercourse. You may love the intercourse and be bisexual
or you may just be experimenting. If you don’t already know
in your gut whether or not you’re a lesbian don’t rush
into labeling yourself. Being a lesbian isn’t just a sexual
choice. It’s a choice whether you could be in love with a woman
the way traditional male-female relationships are thought to exist.
Relationships are a commitment no matter what gender. As far as
your female friend, tell her that you’re attracted to her.
Let her know that you’ve never done this before but you would
like to pursue your feelings. Give her the room to either accept
or decline. Tell her that if she decides no that won’t create
any bad feelings between you. If she says yes then you’re on
your way. Either way, enjoy the process.
7. Q: My boyfriend asked if he could
videotape us making love so he could have it when we’re apart.
I didn’t have any reservations until I told my best friend;
now I’m confused.
A: Score one for the best friend.
Videotapes can last almost forever. Boyfriends, even husbands don’t
always last that long. You and your guy might be in love now and
he promises to never show that tape. But what if you break up and
it ends badly; or he decides to show his best friend and the friend
talks; or someone breaks into his place and steals it with other
items by accident. There are too many ways for the tape to get into
wrong hands. Your safest bet is to leave this one alone. The same
goes for Polaroids.
8. Q: My best friend’s boyfriend
cheated on her. She has stayed with him but has broken the car windows
and left threatening messages on the other girl’s phone. I’m
worried about her, what do I do?
A: This person needs counseling--professional
counseling. What she has done is criminal. Make her understand the
possible repercussions of her actions. It could ruin her life. Get
her to seek help.
9. Q: My wife gave me her wedding
ring to be serviced last week. I put it in my pocket and forgot
it. It’s now gone. Should I come clean or replace it without
her knowing?
A: Come clean. You said you would
take the ring to be serviced, now take the responsibility. Offer
her the opportunity to upgrade now and it will give her a reason
to be less upset when she looks at her new sparkler.
10. Q: My boyfriend breaks his neck
to watch every woman that goes by! I’ve made comments about
it upsetting me but he hasn’t stopped. What do I do?
A: Well first of all he’s being
really disrespectful. There’s nothing wrong with a casual glance
to take in something beautiful as you would with a flower, sunrise,
pair of shoes. But whipping around at every woman makes him look
sleazy. Tell him it hurts your feelings, it’s disrespectful
and he looks like a hound dog. None of these things are attractive.
If he alters his behavior great. If not, drop him, there’s
a guy out there who only has eyes for you.
11. Q: My boyfriend doesn’t
give me a moment’s peace. He spends every free moment he has
with me and when he’s not with me he calls me constantly. When
I tell him I’d like to spend time with my girlfriends he gets
upset and angry and tells me it’s because he loves me so much.
I feel suffocated. How can we find balance before I walk?
A: Your boyfriend may love you but
this is not about his love for you. This is about his need to be
loved, needed and constantly reassured that he’s worthy of
love. Somewhere before you ever showed up he was probably deeply
hurt in a relationship with another girl or family member. He needs
counseling. There is no way that you can fill the void inside of
him. He has to work on that himself and he has a lot of work ahead
of him. You have to assess how much you love him and want this relationship.
If he chooses to seek help that’s your only chance for a healthy
relationship. If he doesn’t, run.
12. Q: My boyfriend and I have been
together for eight months now. He showers me with gifts and takes
me on trips but we never go out when we’re in our hometown.
We either hang out at my apartment or his. He’s very private
about his space and doesn’t want me to hang out there without
him. He’s very close to his family and friends but he won’t
introduce us. Something doesn’t feel right. What’s going
on?
A: It sounds like you’re the
other woman. Think about it. You go away on trips together and you’re
fancy free but when you’re home you don’t leave the apartment.
He’s very close to his family and friends but you haven’t
met them in eight months. What you feel is coming from your gut
and your gut doesn’t lie. There are big red flags and you should
confront him.
13. Q: My fiance hasn’t cut
the umbilical cord to her parents. They call at all hours and drop
by whenever they want and my girl is never happier. When I tell
her that I’d like some private time to relax in our own home
she gets angry. We’re constantly fighting about this. I love
her but I’m at the end of my rope. What do I do?
A: It sounds like your fiance just
isn’t ready to grow up and let go of "mommy and daddy".
I’m all for great relationships with the parents but there
needs to be boundaries. If you want to sit on your sofa in your
underwear you should be able to without thinking your in-laws will
be showing up at any minute. Let your girl know that although you
care for her parents when you get home you sometimes want peace
and quiet. The two of you can schedule "parent’s time".
That way she’ll know you’re not trying to get rid of them,
you just want a compromise. Also, there’s an unwritten rule
of respect about calling someone’s home into the wee hours
of the night or before dawn. If your girl is a morning person and
you’re not, a good compromise would be to cut off the bedroom
phone so you can finish your shuteye and for her to talk to her
folks in the kitchen or wherever as long as it doesn’t affect
you. If your lady doesn’t attempt to make an effort to adjust
this lifestyle then you need to think about taking your toys and
going home. There’s no point in being with someone who won’t
treat you with the same amount of respect they treat the highest
people in their lives.
14. Q: I’m in love with a woman
10 years older. I’m ready to marry her. My family thinks I’m
making a mistake. I trust their opinions but I know this person
is my soul mate. How do I handle my family?
A: It sounds like you just did.
You not only said you love this person. You said she is your soul
mate. You tell your family what you just told me. This is the person
that you choose to spend the rest of your life with and to treat
your relationship with the respect they treat you.
15. Q: Why are black women crazy?
A: I’m not exactly sure what
you mean by that. You might mean crazy-funny with a great sense
of humor. Or you might mean certifiable crazy. Either way it can’t
describe a whole race of women. Why do you feel all black women
are this way? Have you had bad experiences with every black woman
you’ve known? Have you put them in such a tiny box that they
don’t even have a chance to be seen any other way? You need
to be open, let every woman, no matter her color start fresh with
you and do not judge them based on the past. Maybe then will you
be able to experience the best of what every person has to offer.
16. Q: I don’t think my boyfriend
is over his ex. She calls him all the time and he jumps to attention.
A few nights ago she called crying so he took her out to lunch the
next day. He tells me he loves me and that he’s not in love
with her anymore but I don’t get it.
A: Whether or not he’s still
in love with her is still an open question. But he does need her.
It appears like they have this cycle going; she needs and he needs
to be needed. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have jumped to take her
to lunch the next day. The phone call would have been enough.
You should do three things. First, talk to him clearly and precisely
about your feelings and thoughts about the situation. Second, tell
him its time he made a decision about what he wants. Third, give
him some space so
he can think clearly and decide who he wants more in his life. Does
he want to be superman or does he want to have a equal partner?
17. Q: How do I hide my money from
my wife? I don’t want her to know how much money I make.
A: Is your wife a gold digger? If
so, than why would you marry a gold digger? Because she has a Hot
Bod? If so then you deserve each other. Marriage is about commitment
and honesty or at least a really great business deal. If you went
the commitment and honesty route your wife should know how much
you make. If you’re not telling her the truth about money I’m
sure you’re not telling the truth about many other things and
that will be disclosed in the divorce. If it’s a great business
deal than she doesn’t need to know how much you make. You guys
just agree on her allowance and how much she gets in a divorce.
Do you see a common thread here? Divorce. No lasting relationship
can be based on dishonesty and distrust.
18. Q: My Girlfriend is thinking
about getting a breast reduction. I love her boobs. What do I do?
A: What you do is support her. This
will be one of the most difficult decisions in her life. For a woman
to consider modifying a part of her body so linked to sex and sexuality
is huge. To get to this point she has probably tried everything
from super-duper boulder holders, to losing weight and exercise.
Large breasts can be really painful. Imagine carrying 1-4 pound
weights attached to each side of your chest. They can wreak havoc
on your back, shoulders and chest. Breasts that are too large can
also cause labored breathing and restricted movement. Maybe you’re
imagining that after the surgery your girlfriend will have no chest
at all. I’m sure that’s not what she’s going for.
She just wants a manageable size. Go with her to meet with the doctors.
They will be able to give you both a greater understanding of what
to expect after surgery. I’m sure that will ease the fears
you both probably have now.
19. Q: It’s been almost six
months since Mike and I had our first child. He won’t come
near me. How come? I’m seriously thinking of tying him up and
having my way with him.
A: It’s possible your guy sees
you differently now. You’re not just his woman; you are the
mother of his child. That’s a sacred experience. That could
creep guys out. Not to mention what he saw during childbirth. He
might be afraid of hurting you. Reassure him that you’re fine
and ready to go. Introduce him slowly to your body again. Make an
evening of it, a nice dinner and a soothing, cleansing bath together,
a bit of wine and then make your move slowly.
20. Q: I love the soft satiny feel
of women’s underwear against my skin. How do I tell my wife?
A: Liquor her up. No, I’m just
kidding. You can plan a romantic dinner for two at home and show
up wearing nothing but your pretty pinks. Or you can sit her down
and tell her. This might be something you’ll want to tell her
quickly because you don’t want her finding the underwear and
think you’re cheating on her. Some people are under the misconception
that if a man wears women’s underwear or clothing that he’s
gay and that’s not true. Let her know exactly where you stand
and that the underwear makes you feel more sensual like they do
for us. If talking it out between you doesn’t ease her stress
over it than the two of you should talk it over with a counselor.
21. Q: I love having sex in public
places. How do I get my boyfriend to do it?
A: More appropriately, how do you
not? Ask him. If he’s super conservative you can talk him into
doing it right outside the privacy of your own home. Say your backyard
at night, your pool, your hot tub or your patio all under the cover
of darkness. Remember you can go to jail for public indecency so
nighttime in your own yard is safer.
22. Q: I am about to get married
and am very religious. I don’t believe there should be any
secrets from my wife. In my youth I committed a capital offense
that I got away with. Should I tell her? Will she keep my secret
or will I find myself behind bars?
A: First, you need to decide why
you really feel the need to tell her. Is it truly honesty or do
you just want to make yourself feel better. I’m not an advocate
of surprises in a marriage so I would normally say to tell her.
But in this case we’re talking about a capital offense. That’s
a huge burden to put on her. Her conscience may not allow her to
keep the secret. Maybe that’s what you really want. It’s
possible you have so much guilt that you want to be found out. If
that’s the case, that’s fine, but don’t make her
the heavy. What are you trying to accomplish here. Final thought;
leave well enough alone.
P.S. There are prosecution time limits on many crimes.
You should check into it. You might be in the clear. Your fiancé
may not be able to live with your crime and leave you but then it’s
her choice. Good Luck.
23. Q. It used
to be rare that I would see a fine booty on a girl but now everywhere
I turn around a "Snooty Booty" is staring me right in
the face. Is there some new workout equipment or surgery that is
creating all these fine behinds? What gives?
A. Interesting question…
I’ve been noticing that myself and a few things are going on
out there in "Bootyland". For starters there is exercise.
Lunges have always been the first choice for beefing up the booty
with squats coming in a close second. Then there are also exercise
machines. The Butt Blaster has been around for a few years and I
know people who swear by it. You can find out more about the Butt
Blaster and other butt machines at www.bigfitness.com.
Recently I saw a pair of jeans in a magazine that
already had the tush filled out in padding and there is always padded
underwear. But what I find most intriguing is butt surgery; I saw
three techniques out there to make it bigger. The first is called
Microfat Grafting in which liposuction fat is taken from another
part of the body and put into the buttocks. The second is buttock
implants in which an implant made of a soft silicone pad is implanted
between the gluteus maximus and the gluteus minimus. The third technique
is a combination of the above two – Microfat Grafting and butt
implants. There is another technique called a butt lift but it just
lifts the butt, it doesn’t make it bigger.
24. Q. Lateace,
you look so beautiful, u know, i wanna grab you and take you away,
i want to make love all night with you, your the most beautiful
women i have ever seen, i am 24 and been through alot of women,
but nothing such beautiful as you lateace, please ,i want to ask
you this, can u give me your address and phone numba, e-mail it
to me, and maybe we could meet some time you beautiful beautiful
woman, god i love you, well i got to go now, bye honey.
A. I'd like to say
thank you very much, that was really sweet but I'm attached. Also
a little 411 for the next time. I wouldn't tell a woman I'm trying
to hook up with that I'd been through a lot of women.
Thanks Again
LaTeace
25. Q. I am 22 Years old I have a three year
old a great guy and absolutely no sex drive. None at all... What
can I do? Is there medicine I need to take?
A. Believe it or not loss of sex drive is
much more common than we might think. Dr. Eva Martin of Discovery
Health an expert in the field did a national survey which showed
sexual dysfunction was common among 43% of women and 31% of men
between the ages of 18 and 59. Oprah has even done a show or two
on the subject and some of the experts she talked to believe it’s
a national epidemic. Their numbers say 40 million women are affected.
To me those are staggering numbers.
Lets look at what some of the causes could be. I'll list them first,
then break them down. They are psychological, pain, medication,
hormonal, disease, sense of self or any combination of the above.
There can be many more but these are the main issues doctors run
into over and over again.
Psychological
According to the experts depression is a major issue. Depression
can come from past issues or recent stress and anxiety. Many are
worried about bills, their job, their guys job or their children
in this crazy world we live in. Some may have had abuse or molestation
in their childhood that they thought they were over but keeps hanging
in there over their head. Generally, when someone is depressed the
last thing they want to do is have sex. Talking to someone objective
such as a therapist can help anyone on their road to recovery.
Pain
According to Dr. Eva Martin there is a condition called dyspareunia
which can be superficial or deep. It is accompanied by pelvic pain
or discomfort after penis penetration. Some symptoms include deep
pain and cramping, tearing sensations, muscle spasms or loss of
lubrication. If any of this sounds familiar please see your gynecologist
at once and have a thorough examination.
Medication
Did you know that some birth control pills can diminish your libido?
They can also diminish lubrication. Antidepressants take a good
knock at it too. Adjusting your prescription could certainly help.
Hormonal
Our hormones are in constant fluctuation. Our systems are just made
up that way. Add childbirth and menopause, your head will spin.
The best thing to do is to get to know your body, read up on women’s
hormonal issues and go see your doctor.
Disease
Disease lowers sex drive and have parts of some of the other issues
I’ve talked about. If you have a chronic disease there is a
good chance that you’re depressed, on medication and in pain.
Please discuss this with your doctor.
Sense of Self
Last but definitely not least is "Sense of Self". This
also fits in under psychological. Sometimes as women we put ourselves
last. Especially if we have a family. We feel responsible to take
care of our families every need and forget our own. If this is the
case you need to start living for yourself as well and get in touch
with who you really are. Look into your needs and desires. Only
by fulfilling ourselves and being happy and whole people can we
contribute to others.
Treatments
There are some treatments to try but you have to consult you doctor
first. Vagifem is the first FDA approved vaginal tablet for vaginal
dryness. It improves lubrication and strengthens the vaginal wall.
It’s estrogen based so women with breast cancer must discuss
that with their doctor.
There’s testosterone cream but it hasn’t been approved
by the FDA. It’s said to improve libido but side affects can
include oily skin, hair growth, weight gain or an enlarged clitoris.
There’s also Viagra but it hasn’t been approved for women
yet either.
I'd like to refer you to some sites and books that have been beneficial
to me. I hope they are helpful to you.
www.newshe.com
www.oprah.com
http://health.discovery.com
Some books
For women only by the Berman Sisters
Okay, so I don't have a headache by Cristina Ferrare
I'm not in the mood: What every woman should know about improving
her libido by Judith Reichman.
Female sexual medicine center at UCLA, 1-800-UCLA-MD1
1-800-825-2631
I’d like to finish by saying that this is your life and your
body. It is up to you to take care of it and to make sure it’s
running well and you’re happy. If you hit a road block with
one doctor, find another.
When you get a chance, update me and let me know your progress.
26. Q. I need ideas on how to propose.
A.Hi Derrick,
Proposals are personal and individual. They're based on your likes
and dislikes, what matters to you and your girl the most. Thankfully
there's a book out there called World's
Greatest Proposals. It will give you an idea of some of
the greatest. From there you can add your own personal touches.
Send me your address and I'll send you a free copy.
27. Q. How do
I tell my boyfriend that the diamond he got me is too small?
A. This is a great
question for The Diamond
Guy.
28. Q. Both
me and my wife work. I have an outside job and she works at home
with the children. Why is it that when the children are away at
school she finds it so difficult to get house work done or even
get the lawn people to come over?
A. Why you asking
me? Ask her? The shortest distance between two points is a straight
line! I mean if you want me to guess I could come up with a few
scenarios. Your wife may be a primadonna or just plain lazy. That’s
the first possibility. Then I noticed the children are away, she’s
still exhausted and she can’t even call the lawn people. It
could be depression. Since your children are of school age it’s
no longer Post Partum Depression but it could have started out that
way. Your wife may feel "Less Than". So much emphasis
is put on what career a person has that when they don’t have
a career anymore they feel that they are thought of as less by their
counterparts. Being a fulltime parent (Mom or Dad) doesn’t
get you a promotion, more money, that corner office or a gold medal
and unfortunately so much is based on that. But being a great parent
is the most emotionally rewarding experience there is. Let your
wife know how much you appreciate and respect what she does. Then
it wouldn’t hurt for you two to go to a few counseling sessions.
29. Q. Why is
it that when my wife wants to go out with her girlfriends I support
her and say great. Yet when I want to go out with the guys she gives
me grief?
A. She may be insecure
or she may not trust you. Have you given her any reason to feel
that way? Maybe she doesn’t feel that you’re pulling your
weight around the house so in turn you don’t deserve to go
out and throw a few back with the boys. Tell her how you feel and
ask her if any of these scenarios ring true or if it’s something
else. Tell her if you’re going to be o.k. with ladies night
she should show you the same courtesy.
30. Q. My girlfriend
and all her friends have just finished reading The Nanny Diaries.
They talked so great about it that I secretly borrowed my girlfriend’s
copy and decided to read it myself. Wow! Where does someone get
a nanny like that in the book?!
A. For starters, the
prerequisite is the "Kid". You don’t count :). But
if you’re seriously looking for a good nanny there are a few
ways to go about this and I would recommend doing them all. Check
your yellow pages, talk to co-workers, friends and family for referrals
and surf the web. I’m not endorsing them but some sites I’ve
seen are, Nannies Plus at www.nanniesplus.com
which states that they’ve received wide mention in the press
including Parents Magazine. It’s dated 1991 though. Then there’s
4nannies.com and Execu-Nannies
at http://soma.hypermart.net/.
Definitely check out the National Association of Nannies at www.nannyassociation.com.
They are dedicated to the improvement of the nanny industry. By
all means check the nannies and their references out thoroughly.
Some agencies don’t do criminal background checks, find out
if they do. There is nothing more precious than your children! Making
sure that they are safe and well cared for should be your top priority
no matter how long it takes to find the right match.
31. Q. My girlfriend
tells me the average guy makes love for 45 minutes. Is that true?
A. Well, I don’t
know who that average guy is, but give me his number! That is definitely
not the average. The average amount of time a man makes love according
to a recent national survey is five and a half minutes, twice a
week. That is not to say that there aren’t some guys who clock
in higher than that. Making love consists of more than the act of
intercourse. To extend your session add foreplay, touching, caressing,
massages and oral sex. That will up your game time immediately without
having to go to the gym for more push ups.
BACK To Ask LaTeace
 |
