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For Men Only
How to Read a Woman
In 1963 I met my first woman. She was beautiful,
kind and loving (still is). She’s my mother. As time went by
as it inevitably does, I would meet many other women. They came
in all sizes and temperaments. Some were flashy and glitzy like
brand new cars; others not so shiny and glitzy but very dependable.
As I reached middle age I started noticing distinct characteristics
that some women had and some lacked. In my head I categorized women
into types. When I was done, I believed, I had put a description
on every type of woman that existed.
The only thing to do next was prove my hypothesis.
So, over a period of quite a few months every woman that I met,
saw on television or read about got plugged into my theory. After
a little tweaking, seven categories of women emerged. They are presented
here in no particular order. They are:
1.) The Beauty Queen
2.) The Amazon
3.) The Drama Mama
4.) The Vestal Virgin
5.) The Black Widow
6.) The Ugly Duckling
7.) The Girl Next Door
What I found was that while there are some women
that are 100% one type; they are the exception. More the norm was
that most women were mixes or blends. Dominant Amazon with submissive
Girl Next Door and a dash of Vestal Virgin; or dominant Girl Next
Door with an under current of Ugly Duckling. Every woman was one
type at least 75% of the time and spent the other 25% dabbling in
others.
I’ve put pen to paper to share my insights
so maybe other men might find some solace in knowing who they are
dating, married to or separating from. If my little system helps
you, I’m grateful.
The Beauty Queen
For most of us the Beauty Queen
is not difficult to spot. The title is a clear give away. She is
first and foremost a sight for sore eyes; a beautiful face, nice
figure and sex appeal to match. She’s the Ginger on Gilligan’s
Island. What sets the Beauty Queen apart from just a regular beauty
is the belief that her looks come with some sort of entitlement,
special privileges. The B.Q. (Beauty Queen), as the title clearly
states, feels she should be treated like a queen. She shouldn’t
have to stand in line because she is a queen. She should wear the
finest clothes, the most expensive shoes, the Fendi handbag and
name brand jewelry (Cartier, Winston, Bulgari, Tiffany) because
she is the queen. B.Q.’s live in their own special world where
reality doesn’t exist. Price tags are for somebody else to
worry about. Children are for nannies to raise but important to
have to feel complete.
Marilyn Monroe was a Beauty Queen.
Marilyn Monroe committed suicide. Most B.Q.’s are rarely happy
because they live in a world of need and expectation. There is always
something they need, there is always something they expect.
What blows me away about some B.Q.’s
is how many of them think they are all that and a bag of chips,
while most guys see them as nothing but tramps. The tramps should
really be called "Wannabes". They are easy to spot because
the Fendi bag is a copy, the make up is a little too thick, a little
too much hair spray and a total lack of class or demeanor. Certainly
these "Wannabe" B.Q.’s turn our head but kinda the
same way a traffic accident gets us to slow down. We just want to
see what’s going on. These "Wannabes" believe that
their beauty is the only card they have to play. Sadly, for many
of them, it’s true. The "Wannabes" gravitate to the
strip club, the street corner, and the local bar. Others land fifteen
seconds of fame on the cover of men’s magazines or hard and
soft-core adult films. Some one once said that what every man wants
is a virgin who’s a whore. These women forgot the virgin part.
B.Q.’s, whether high class or
downtown, do have that one thing in common--they all play the beauty
card. As men we can’t be sucked in. We must determine if she’s
holding any other cards. The humor card, the I.Q. card, the compassion
card, the reliability card. Are all B.Q.’s bad? No, certainly
not. Nobody’s judging here. There are a lot of B.Q.’s
that are a staple of society; governors’ wives, senators’
wives, wives of celebrities. What makes them different from the
"Girl next door" (to be explained later) is their lack
of gratitude for anything and their demand that everything should
be handed to them on a silver platter.
The Amazon
When most people think of an Amazon,
a Linda Carter Wonder Woman- type probably comes to mind. But that’s
not what I’m talking about. Amazon has nothing to do with stature
but everything to do with attitude and assertiveness. Amazons come
in every size, from petite to plus sizes, from gorgeous to something
the cat dragged in. A woman is not categorized as an Amazon by anything
but her personality. Amazons are the first to ask questions, the
first to speak up, the first to sign up. They are extroverts, Type
A personalities. If a meal isn’t prepared just right, back
it goes to the kitchen. If someone cuts in line at the movie theatre,
she’s the first to say, "Hey buddy, there’s the back
of the line, now get there!"
Amazons I believe were on their way
to being overbearing men in their mother’s wombs but turned
into females at the last moment. Spineless men without pants tend
to gravitate to these testosterone driven gals. Rarely will you
find an equally brazen muscle-bound man who will team up with them.
Amazons spend a lot of time proving they are just as good or better
than a man instead of appreciating the differences. Amazon women
don’t play games (probably one of their best features). They
always get straight to the point. If you’re dating an Amazon,
you’ll never have to worry why she’s mad at you, trust
me, she’ll let you know.
Men who are very secure with themselves
and don’t feel the need to tell their woman how pretty they
are every fifteen minutes might want to choose an Amazon. They’re
honest, straightforward and logical thinkers. If on top of that
you get lucky enough to get looks thrown into the mix, hang on!
You’re in for a fun but bumpy ride!!
The Drama Mama
Ever heard the expression, "Making
a mountain out of a molehill"? Well, that is a Drama Mama’s
battle cry. A Drama Mama can take any small insignificant thing
and by the time she is done with it make it larger than Mount Everest.
Drama Mamas have a skewed perception on reality. They are always
at Def Con One with a missile launch ready to go at any second.
Here is a classic example of a Drama Mama in action:
Wife: Honey, did you take the garbage
out?
Husband: I’ll get to it.
Wife: Oh sure, that’s what you always say then we get garbage
piled
for days. Next thing you know we’ll miss garbage pick up
day
because you failed to take the garbage out to the curb. We’ll
have garbage piled up for all the world to see, then the dogs
will get into it and scatter it over the yard, THEN THE
NEIGHBORS WILL CALL THE POLICE FOR LITTERING!!
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!! IS THAT WHAT’S
GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY?!! HUH? YOU WANT TO
GO TO JAIL? DO YOU WANT TO BE SOMEBODY’S
PUNK IN PRISON? DO YOU WANT TO BE KNOWN AS
THE TRASHMAN?
Husband: Honey stop, look, I’m getting up, I’m taking
the garbage
out…
Sounds familiar? If there’s
always drama in your life, you’re either married to a Drama
Mama or are one yourself.
The Vestal Virgin
Mother Teresa, The Virgin Mary,
Princess Di are all classic examples of Vestal Virgins. Vestals
have your classic caretaker personality. Many of them are homemakers,
mothers and humanitarians. They will do without until everyone else
is taken care of first. Vestals are selfless almost to the point
in some cases where it is sickening. In a word, Martyrs.
Vestals are usually not risk takers,
conservative by nature and practical. Usually easy to spot because
they rarely wear make up unless required. Vestals range in beauty
from natural beauties to homely. The highest levels of Vestals have
no problem with their self-worth but will always choose the best
interest of the whole (family, society, country) versus the interest
of the self. At the other extreme, low-level Vestals have a low
self-worth and want to please others because they don’t feel
they are worthy. Low-level Vestals have one of the highest suicide
rates because they believe their life has no purpose.
The Black Widow
Also referred to as the Chameleons
for their ability to take any form and any one of the other six
personas. Black Widows are the most lethal and toxic women walking
on the face of the planet. First and foremost they are takers, opportunists,
destroyers. The only thing they care about is looking out for #1,
themselves. Their motto is, "What’s in it for me?"
Different than the bartering Beauty Queens who actually believe
the more you need from someone the more you love them. At least
Beauty Queens in most cases allow themselves the belief that they
are in love with the person that is doing so much for them. Most
divorces with Beauty Queens arise when their mate can no longer
satisfy the B.Q.’s needs. While long-term relationships with
B.Q.’s are forged, the bartering never ends.
The Black Widow should never be confused
with the Beauty Queen because she never allows herself the emotional
attachment. There is no bartering, just the illusion of it. There
are a lot of Black Widows doing time right now because they couldn’t
be patient and allow their elderly husbands to pass on of natural
causes in order to collect their inheritance. Anna Nicole Smith
is a classic example of a Black Widow (in my opinion, please no
letters) who was patient and did her time to cash in. A lot of people
would argue with me and say she was clearly a Beauty Queen but since
Black Widows are inherently such good actresses, who will ever know
if her crocodile tears at the funeral were just a stage show. Either
way she’s worth more money than me.
A psychiatrist that I consulted for
this article told me, just like men, there are women out there prepared
to do what ever it takes to get what they want. The end always justifies
the means. These women are Black Widows.
The Ugly Duckling
Ever see a beautiful, fit, sexy
woman standing in front of a full length mirror talking about how
fat she is? To a degree that’s what I’m talking about
here but at another level. Ducklings see themselves through imperfect
eyes. They see fat when everyone else sees thin. They see ugly when
everyone else sees beautiful. They see stupid when everyone sees
intelligent. Ducklings radar systems are broken. Most, if not all
anorexics and bulimics fall in this category. Many ducklings are
over achievers and seen by the world as successful only to return
home at the end of the day to believe they never cut the mustard.
Different than the successful Amazons
who know when they’ve crossed the finish line, Ducklings never
measure up to their own twisted sense of perfection. Julia Roberts
is a classic example of an Ugly Duckling. To the world she attempts
to come off as the Girl Next Door or pretty woman with that contagious
laugh while inside she hides scars from broken relationships and
name calling from a childhood long since passed. Ducklings need
constant reassurance that they are smart enough, pretty enough and
successful enough. Needy, to the point of desperation, is the one
word that best describes a Duckling.
This overwhelming need for approval
is typically the deciding factor that pushes the ones closest to
them out of their life. Another good example of a Duckling is Sally
Fields. I still remember in her acceptance speech upon winning her
second Oscar saying, "You like, You like me, You really like
me." My word, practically the whole world had loved her since
the Flying Nun to Smokey and the Bandit but she was still this little
girl trapped in a grown up’s body looking for approval.
On the plus side many Ducklings turn
into swans and overcome their self worth issues and make the kindest
sweetest people to live with but at some level never accept just
how magnificent they are. One thing Ducklings should remember is
the following quote, "I’m told I’m pretty, I’m
told I’m ugly. I’m told I’m fat, I’m told I’m
thin. Who’s right? Brace yourself, they all are! What I choose
to be on any given day is up to me."
The Girl Next Door
When I was in third grade I lived
next door to Mary Vinci. We walked together to school, played together,
studied together, got in trouble together. We weren’t boyfriend
and girlfriend, heck, we didn’t even know what that meant.
What we were, was buds. I could tell her my deepest darkest secrets
and she would tell me hers. We stuck up for each other, looked out
for each other. When I got older and moved away she would be the
one I consulted about girls, even if it was by long distance. Our
friendship transcended any and everything else.
As I look back at my relationship
with Mary I realized I fell in love with all the same traits she
showed me were possible to find in a woman; friendship, honesty,
fairness, a sense of humor, intelligence, and inner beauty. Mary
liked herself. I didn’t know it then but I know it now. All
Girls Next Door aren’t trying to be something or someone they
are not. They like their own skin. They like who they are. That
alone should be their biggest attraction. Try marrying someone who
doesn’t like themselves. See how far that gets you. But when
you can find that woman who likes her reflection in the mirror and
is all loving, my friend you have found The Girl Next Door.
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