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For Women Only
The Man Behind the Curtain
Like the quest for the Holy Grail there has been
an eternal quest into the psyche of the adult male. This article
picks up where many of my other articles left off. In "The
Scarecrow, The Cowardly Lion and The Tin Man", I began to attempt
to explain the psyche which is the male spirit. It was followed
up by "Snuggler’s Blues"; "Superman Syndrome"
and "Secondhand Men", which were all snap-shot attempts
to explain why men do the things they do. In "The Man Behind
the Curtain", I take a painstaking journey of introspection
and personal evaluation of man. Who are we; what are our aspirations;
what are our insecurities; what are our fears; and in the end, how
do we become winners, sinners and those lost in between.
This piece is a companion piece to "How to Read a Woman".
In that article I outlined my observations and conversations with
hundreds of women and took my findings to help outline the seven
types of women that walk amongst us. While I did my research on
the seven types of women I also developed data on an eventual list
to describe men. After the release of "How to Read a Woman",
I was bombarded with inquiries on when I would write the article
you’re reading now. My attempts to write this piece were fruitless
for countless hours. Every time I tried to classify men I would
always end up with categories that failed to corral all the personas
that are male. I got to the point, more than once, where I felt
this article couldn’t be written because I was having an impossible
time understanding men and their motives. When I asked my own dad
why I was having such a tough time explaining men he replied, "Heck,
son, you’ve spent your whole life trying to figure women out;
don’t be upset if you can’t solve this puzzle in a day."
My dad was right! I had spent so much of my time looking over the
fence that I never got to know my own backyard; me, my buddies,
my friends, my enemies, my contemporaries-- men.
With time, the fog began to clear. In its wake, eight distinct types
of men emerged. They are presented here in no particular order:
1. The Boy Scout
2. The Maverick
3. The Juggernaut
4. The Mogul
5. Nowhere Man
6. The Warrior
7. Mr. Fix It
8. The Playboy
The
Boy Scout
Usually, in this day and age, to call somebody
a "Boy Scout" is not considered a compliment. A lot of
people I interviewed felt "Boy Scouts" were boring; too
straight-laced; conformists; anal; afraid to break the rules; non-risk
takers. Those that like the "Boy Scout" felt he is honest;
straight-forward; a hard worker; dependable; loyal and trustworthy.
These are the men that pay their taxes on time; pay their bills
early; don’t walk on the grass if not allowed; give to the
poor and live their lives by a strict moral code; there is right
and there is wrong. Right is not an interpretation but a truth that
anyone without blinders on can see plain as day. "Boy Scouts"
believe that a man is defined by his actions. A "Boy Scout"
aspires to perfection; generally a neat freak, he can sometimes
alienate those around him by imposing his strict moral code on others.
A "Boy Scout’s" biggest fear is isolation. Fear they
won’t have somebody to lead; that they will be left all alone.
This obsessive - compulsive disorder that rules the "Boy Scout’s"
life generally doesn’t let a lot of light of happiness in,
because happiness is something that is placed on hold till perfection
is met. To love a "Boy Scout" is to believe the same dreams
they do: "If you do what’s right, do what you’re
told, work hard, good things will happen." Sometimes, sometimes,
they’re right and everything goes according to plan. But if
there is anything I’ve learned about life is this; seldom is
it fair, the good guy is generally denigrated not celebrated, the
riches go to those who break the rules and given a choice most women
will choose a rebel. No, sadly, to call someone a "Boy Scout"
these days usually means you’re putting them down. But do me
a favor, the next time you hear someone say, "Who does he think
he is, some kind of "Boy Scout"? or "What a "Boy
Scout, he’s no fun!" Tell them this, "Boy Scouts"
went into the twin towers to save people like you and me, "Boy
Scouts" die every day for people like you and me. And without
"Boy Scouts" there is no us.
The
Maverick
More years ago than I care to remember, I found
myself in the main hub of the Atlanta airport waiting for my connecting
flight. Someone once said that when you die you have go through
Atlanta on your way to your final destination. Nevertheless, I was
there for a two hour layover along with thousands of others on their
way home. Of the thousands of people there that day, there was one
person I met I will never forget.
He was a tall, lanky fellow, about 6’4, jet-black hair slicked
back, a large chiseled jaw that would make the gods jealous and
a giant mouth full of teeth. I had just come back from a managers’
meeting (from my days of working for a jewelry chain) and was dead
tired. All I wanted to do was get on my plane, get home, shower
and crawl straight into bed. As I sat in the hard preformed plastic
chairs that are attached together at the base (like someone would
want to take one as a souvenir) I sat next to Mr. Mouth-full-of-teeth.
The thing I remember most about him is he wouldn’t sit still.
He was like a two year old in his high chair that just wanted out!
After what seemed like an eternity (fifteen minutes) I couldn’t
take it anymore. "Dude, (trust me people said "dude"
in the early 80"s) calm down. Why are you so hyper?" "Oh,
I’m sorry, I’m just a little nervous. I’m on my way
to be on my first national television appearance". "Really?"
I said, "What show?" "Merv Griffin", he replied.
"Wow, why you going on the show?" "Well", he
said kind of sheepishly with eyes to the floor then back at me,
"I’m going to change the world." "Really, how’s
that?" I sat straight up in my seat and then leaned over to
hear his answer. This guy was certainly more interesting than the
crossword puzzle I had been working on. "Well, I’m going
to help people solve their problems. If they are over weight I’m
going to teach them how to be thin; if they are financially challenged
I’m going to show them how to achieve financial freedom; if
they are lonely I’m going to show them how to attract the love
of their life." This guy definitely had my full attention now.
"How in the hell you going to pull off that little trick? Who
are you any way, Houdini?" "No, my name is Anthony Robbins."
(For those of you who don’t know, Tony Robbins is a world-renowned
author and motivational speaker and personal advisor to presidents,
CEOs, professional athletes, including Andre Agassi when he had
lost his game) But back then he was still a kid in his 20’s
and had yet to realize all the future successes that lay before
him or the one billion dollar empire he would create. "Never
heard of you Anthony", I replied, "But I certainly like
your enthusiasm. But seriously how are you going to pull this off?"
With a big infectious grin he said, "I figured something out."
"I’m waiting!" I replied with baited breath. "I
figured there are those special people in the world who will see
what has never been seen; say what has never been said; write what
has never been written and do what has never been done. I don’t
think I’m one of them. But what I figured out was it doesn’t
make a difference! Success can be copied! For the last few years
I’ve interviewed people that have been challenged with their
weight and become thin and found out their secrets. I’ve interviewed
wealthy men and wrote down their rules for success. I’ve even
interviewed people in wonderful loving relationships and asked them
how they attracted the love of their life. Point blank I’m
going to share with the world my findings."
I never met Tony, "The Motivator" again, although he wasn’t
too hard to find on his popular late-night infomercials. Tony said,
he wasn’t one of those rare people that could see what had
never been seen. But he was clearly wrong. There was one thing he
saw that up until that time no one else had, success can be copied.
Tony was and is a "Maverick". In fact, without him being
aware of it, he had helped describe what a "Maverick"
is. A man that sees what hasn’t been seen; says what has never
been said; writes what has never been written, does what has never
been done. They are visionaries.
Their way is a new way. To most people "Mavericks" are
bold adventurous risk-takers but at heart they are inquisitors;
always asking why; always wanting to know how something works; always
questioning past theories. "Mavericks", although seen
by most as Type A personalities are actually quite insecure. They
put on this bravado face that they take outdoors but inside they
are more petrified of life than most because they are so curious.
I asked one "Maverick" what his greatest asset was and
he replied quite matter of factly, "time". When I told
him practically every other person I interviewed answered "health"
(Their argument being you have nothing if you don’t have your
health) he replied, "What good is your health without time
to enjoy it?" "Mavericks" think outside the box.
If you’re going to be married to them, there are some very
basic rules for success:
1. Keep an eye out for them; they are impulsive and don’t look
both
ways before crossing the street.
2. Diversify them; don’t let them get locked in for too long
a time on
one goal. They can quickly become obsessed and forget about
everything and everyone else in their life. "Mavericks"
need
balance.
3. Don’t block their creativity when it comes, or make "its
me or your
work" kind of demands because you’ll lose. "Mavericks"
must be
allowed to breathe.
Many "Mavericks" are entrepreneurs but there are a lot
of these creative geniuses that hibernate when they get stuck on
a question like "the meaning of life" or "God"
that holds no concrete answer. When they hibernate, they distance
themselves from others and in some cases life itself.
The Juggernaut
Anybody ever tell you something was impossible?
I’m sure you have. When we grow up, we are influenced by many
different things; our environment, our friends, family and even
our biological make-up. Some of us were born without all ten fingers
or all ten toes. Some of us were given all our senses, some of us
were left a few enchiladas short of a full mexican plate. Without
denying it, some of us were born into luckier circumstances than
others. So wouldn’t logic tell you that those of us that were
dealt the good cards should end up on top and those of us that were
dealt the lousy hand should be happy to be alive. It’s funny,
but it doesn’t always work out that way. Time and time again
our history has shown us how the underdog can win. Just ask John
Elway what chance his team was given against Green Bay in their
first Super Bowl win. They were 17-point underdogs. They were outmatched,
out classed, out talented (so the experts said) but they won. The
impossible is possible or so would say a "Juggernaut".
A "Juggernaut" is someone who against all odds, win or
lose, never quits. And I mean that. "Juggernauts" don’t
necessarily have high IQ’s but they do have one incredible
quality, they are driven. If they decide to take on a task they
stick with it till the end, till there is nothing left in them to
give. "Juggernauts" find the joy in the pursuit. They
have an uncanny ability to tackle long-term goals that can only
be accomplished through months, years, even decades of practice,
hard work, pain and even suffering. Lance Armstrong is casebook
"Juggernaut". Anything he puts his mind to he gives everything
he has. He fought through the mountains, the training, cancer and
in the end not only competed, he won.
Different than the creative genius of the "Mavericks"
who may see a new way; some of them do nothing to implement their
grand idea. "Juggernauts" set goals and do everything
in their power to achieve them. You will never ever see a homeless
"Juggernaut". Whereas there are countless "Mavericks"
pan-handling because even with their genius or maybe because of
their genius, some are too afraid to take action on their grand
idea. Mostly, because they are smart enough to realize the mathematical
odds of achieving their success are so small many of them do nothing.
Genius can be a prison.
One of my most favorite stories that has been told time and time
again about a couple of "Juggernauts" is about the two
unknown actors. The way the story goes, the two nobodies were up
for a screen test to see if they would be asked to join a major
studio. After they both tested, the director said, "You both
better find a new line of work because trust me neither of you will
ever be actors. So quit while you’re ahead. Get out of here!"
When they both asked why, the director replied, "Well for starters
(he points to one of them) you’re too ugly to be an actor (then
he points to the other) and you have no talent!! Now get out of
here before I have you thrown off the lot!" As they both walked
off one of them was laughing to himself, which prompted the other
one to say, "What the hell is so funny?" To which he replied,
"Heck I can still learn how to act but you’re still going
to be ugly!"
What’s fascinating about this true story is whenever both actors
were stung with extraordinary criticism neither of them ever quit.
If they had, we probably would have never heard of Burt Reynolds
(the talentless one) or Clint Eastwood (the ugly one). In doing
this article I interviewed a lot of exceptional driven people (The
Juggernauts) and asked them what their main goal in life was. They
all had the same answer, to make a difference, to leave a giant
footprint in the sands of time. When I asked them their fears they
also all replied the same way, "Can you spell it? Cause I don’t
know what it means." If "Juggernauts" are putting
on some kind of act it’s a good one because they sure are impressing
me! One of my favorite "Juggernauts", if not my own personal
hero, is Christopher Reeves. Even facing all his adversity he still
sees himself walking again. He’s not just a survivor, he’s
an achiever. And that’s what "Juggernauts" are, they
are the achievers, the doers. The ones who say they’re going
to do something and back it up.
If there is a flaw, and it’s a big one, is that practically
all "Juggernauts" have trouble achieving balance in their
lives. In that respect they are like the "Mavericks".
If as a woman you are married to one you have to get your jug head
to understand the idea of a priority list. If his goal or goals
ever get placed above you or your family or your kids it may be
time to give him a reality check.
The Mogul
Randomly choose ten men from a crowd, isolate
them, step back and observe. Almost instantaneously one will step
forward; the leader. He’s brash, confident, organized and appears
to know what to do. Sometimes he’s right, sometimes he’s
wrong but either way he’s someone who takes charge. Flash forward,
now take ten leaders from ten groups, isolate them, step back and
observe. This time it won’t be pretty. At least two of the
men will battle for control. They will build alliances, the group
will be divided and civil war will commence. The battle will rage
on till there is one king of the jungle. Repeat this process over
and over and over. Imagine that every time there is a battle, the
same man comes out on top.
When this happens, a "Mogul" is born. "Moguls"
are much more than simple leaders. In their mind’s eye they
are omnipotent, almighty, better than. They have zero tolerance
for incompetence or those they see as inferior to them. Their power
is self-serving. They see people as pawns, assets, pluses and minuses
on a balance sheet. They rule not for the people or of the people
but in spite of the people. They are takers and opportunists. They
build empires on the backs of men, women and children, which ever
is more convenient. Some see "Moguls" as good and will
give examples like Getty, Rockefeller and Kennedy Senior as men
who used an iron fist where needed to evoke change and survival.
While others point to the same list to argue that these men are
only poor excuses of human beings that prove the old adage absolute
power corrupts absolutely. It’s just as easy to add names to
the list like Hitler, Genghis Khan, Gambino.
How do you know when you’re in the presence of a "Mogul"?
It’s easy, he’ll be the one using fear and intimidation
to sell his point of view. Power is as much a drug as heroin. Even
in small doses it can be lethal. A lot of women I met said they
were attracted to a powerful man. They told me that even the ugliest
man became more appealing the higher up the echelon he climbed.
"Moguls" are typically narcissists who eventually get
taken down when the masses eventually have had enough and over throw
him or father time takes the edge off .
In any battle of superiority, you will have a true leader or a "Mogul".
The way to tell the difference is to see where the person places
himself. The leader is on the front lines, the "Mogul"
is at the rear.
Nowhere Man
In the 1960’s, John Lennon wrote the lyrics
to a song appropriately titled "Nowhere Man". In the prose,
he sang about a type of man that exists but has yet to make himself
known. The opening of the song goes like this:
He’s a real nowhere man,
Sitting in his nowhere land,
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody.
Doesn’t have a point of view
Knows not where he’s going to,
Isn’t he a bit like you and me?
Lennon, a "Maverick" of his generation, was a true visionary.
He wrote and sang about what he saw. In "Nowhere Man"
he introduces us to a man non-apologetic about his existence or
lack of determination. Possibly overwhelmed by the grandeur of it
all "Nowhere Man" becomes a drifter without a compass
or boat without a rudder. A non-goal oriented individual whose favorite
sayings often spoken include, "That’s good enough, it
can wait till tomorrow and don’t rock the boat". "Nowhere
Men" are in no rush to get anywhere. Often they awake to the
sun of a new day only looking to catch another twenty winks. Not
necessarily self-absorbed as much as inherently lazy. Also known
as the excuse makers, "Nowhere Men" shirk responsibility
like most of us embrace it.
In the last line of Lennon’s first verse he hints that "Nowhere
Man" is a little bit like you and me. And to a degree it’s
hard to argue, there are probably quite a few of us that are a little
lost and can’t find our way. The difference in the "Nowhere
Man" is he doesn’t care if he’s lost. One "Nowhere
Man" I interviewed replied, "Of all the places I’ve
been, this is one of them!" "Nowhere Men" either
can’t keep a job or have had the same one they’ve been
holding on to since the day they turned 18.
"Nowhere Men" were one of the most difficult men for me
to write about because as I interviewed them I found countless of
them absolute geniuses and great orators. There was so much promise
so much ability but no fire. A man with no drive is like a Ferrari
with no fuel; it’s not going anywhere. The most frightening
fact I found was (as I interviewed male after male with a lot of
the same questions I used to categorize men. "Who are you?",
"Where do you see your self in 5, 10, 15 years from now?"
What are your priorities?) "Nowhere Men" were popping
up everywhere! Men without direction or ambition were as common
as grandma’s apple pie. By the time I sat down to write the
article I found that nearly 80% of those interviewed fell into this
category or the "Playboy" category ( to be discussed later).
My only advice to women is, if your man is afraid of change, doesn’t
know where he’s going and dreams of dying in front of his big
screen watching "Monday Night Football" on his recliner
with a cold one, it’s time to pack your bags. If however he
is lost but asking for a roadmap, don’t abandon him. Most "Nowhere
Men" have good hearts. Show him the forest from the trees and
get out together.
The Warrior
Webster defines a "Warrior" as someone
who is engaged in or experienced in battle. "Warriors"
are ruled by their emotions or should I say their lack of control
of them. "Warriors" in general are filled with rage. They
are either in a fight, looking for a fight or starting a fight.
At their most primitive levels they are abusers of women, children
and society. Similar to the "Drama Mamas" I wrote about
in the companion article to this piece, in the sense that they are
pressure junkies. While most of us look for ways to relieve stress
by fishing, sun bathing or reading a good book, "Warriors"
look for ways to release their rage. One "Warrior" I interviewed
who always seemed to look like a caged animal when he got a little
stressed commented "I just need something to hit!" Controlled
"Warriors" do find constructive ways to vent their anger.
A lot of the "Warriors" I met installed heavy bags in
their basements or garages that they could punch until their little
hearts’ content. I also found a lot of "Warriors"
who enjoyed weight lifting.
Another common trait of a "Warrior" is their voice. Practically
all "Warriors" I met had a difficult time with indoor
voices. They were always yelling at someone, pounding their fists,
yelling till their faces turned red and their eyes popped out and
the veins in their neck looked like road maps. I found "Warriors"
were attracted to jobs that could supply a steady stream of adrenaline
to keep their high. Courtroom attorneys, ER doctors, surgeons, professional
athletes, mercenaries, police officers and even salesmen were all
professions that could supply enough pressure and stress (that most
of us avoid) to keep them fueled. I found "Warriors" at
all ends of the educational spectrum, from the genius of the ER
surgeon to the illiteracy of the street brawler. If you look at
emotion the same way you describe the temperature of water, "Warriors"
tend to run hot and cold. In their cold states, they are sensible,
logical, charismatic. At their hot states, they are impulsive, erratic,
unstable and combative. Practically every psychiatrist I interviewed
told me that the rage is controllable and is actually most likely
caused by a serotonin imbalance in their brains.
From a woman’s perspective, "Warriors" must be viewed
with caution. A lot of women confuse the rage with drive and determination
and find themselves calling "911" in a desperate cry for
help. "Warriors" are goal setters but they are typically
only concerned with the here and now. Almost all "Warriors"
I interviewed were very poor long-range goal achievers. This could
be explained by the fact that since their daily lives were so volatile,
it would be hard to predict with any certainty any accurate future.
My final comment to women who choose to be with a "Warrior"
is, "Proceed with caution."
Mr. Fix It
Everything breaks. Bones, toys, cars, space shuttles,
us. "Fix It" men want to restore because that’s what
they are at heart, they are restorers. "Fixers" aren’t
necessarily looking to make things better than new, good as new
will do. "Fixers" come in every shape, size and educational
background. They can easily be identified by asking them what they
are up to. "Fixers" will always reply with some project
they are currently tackling. It could be restoring a 1969 Mustang
to mint condition, the new addition to the house or working on their
son’s batting swing.
"Fixers" have to stay busy. They are inherently hard workers.
When or if they run out of things to fix in their own lives, they
tend to poke around in the lives of others to pull out their tool
kit. "Fixers" can be adoring and annoying all at the same
time. Their favorite saying is, "Well, that’s not how
I would do it." "Fixers" also like to start off sayings
with, "The reality is…", so they can justify why
they should be allowed to meddle or repair something. Since everything
is in a constant state of flux "Fixers" don’t have
anything to worry about in the sense that there won’t always
be something to fix. Where a lot of "Fixers" get off track
is when they confuse change with broken. They aren’t the same
thing. Just because something isn’t the way it was in the past
doesn’t mean it needs fixing. "Fixers" make great
husbands. They are responsible, organized and good providers.
"Fixers" are loyal. They know how to keep their ship on
course and those on it out of harms way.
When I asked women who believed they were married to "Fixers"
how they liked it, most responded, "That it was great but irritating".
When I asked them to elaborate, every single person said, "You
try living with someone who always think they’re right!"
And then quickly commented, "And the real sick part is 99 times
out of 100, they are! That’s very annoying!" "Fixers"
pride themselves on always having the facts. Where I was able to
find cracks in the "Fixers" armor was when that "One
time in a hundred" happens and they end up being wrong, they
tend to refuse to accept it. "Fixers" are slow at changing
core beliefs. Once they take a stand on something, it’s hard
to get them uprooted.
Some women I interviewed said that while they like the security
of being married to a "Fixer", they wished there was more
spontaneity. More vicariousness and less rules. "Fixers"
tend to only make decisions when they are sure they have weighed
the pros and cons of every situation.
Of course the last thing a "Fixer" wants to do is make
a mistake that will just require time and effort to fix. If there
is any advice I would give to a "Fixer" is this, relax.
Every now and then put your feet up and just relax. Let go of the
reins. They’ll still be there when you get back from your siesta.
And the second thing, everything isn’t life or death. Take
things with more of a grain of salt and realize the world isn’t
your responsibility to fix. To women marrying or married to "Fixers"
keep enough projects around the house for them to work on or they
may start wondering what you’re up to.
The Playboy
Without question I’ve saved, if not the best,
clearly, the most interesting for last. There are basically two
kinds of "Playboys"; rich "Playboys" and poor
ones. Trust me when I say this, neither is a picnic or a stroll
in the park to deal with. But if I had my druthers, I’d naturally
pick a rich, narcissistic, good-for-nothing, life of the party before
I’d pick a poor, narcissistic, good-for-nothing, life of the
party. So we’ll start there, with the rich kid.
If we dissect the word "Playboy" we get "Play"
(a guy just wants to have fun) and "boy" (never grows
up, never takes responsibility). While it is true that the other
seven types of men previously described can be either introverts
or extroverts, "Playboys" can’t. They are only extroverts.
Rich "Playboys" whether rich by inheritance, trust fund
or just the plain lottery only see money as the means to an end.
One "Playboy" I interviewed said, "The worst thing
you can do with money is save it". That’s why many of
today’s rich "Playboys" are tomorrow’s poor
"Playboys". There is no moderation, no self-control, no
self-discipline. Rich "Playboys" as with poor "Playboys"
are attracted to instant satisfaction. A popular saying amongst
"Playboys" I met was "If it feels good, do it."
Rich "Playboys" are a lot like fast food; they are convenient
and tasty at first but you can’t have a steady diet of them.
"Playboys" are different than "Nowhere Men"
because a "Playboy" will go to great lengths to keep himself
entertained; a "Nowhere Man" doesn’t. Some of the
"Playboys" I met were intelligent but most were of the
eye candy variety.
Poor "Playboys" were a sad mixture of lazy and leaches.
Always looking for a free lunch. Poor "Playboys" are always
on the look out for a "Sugar Momma" willing to pay the
bills or some unethical get rich quick scheme. I asked some psychiatrists
if a "James Bond 007" would fit the profile of a "Playboy"
to which every doctor replied the same, "No". Bond’s
primary goal was always saving the world. If he could get the girl
and the loot along the way, why not? "Playboys" aren’t
trying to invent anything, build anything, fix anything or get anywhere
but a good time. A lot of people throw around the word "Player"
to describe a "Playboy" and to some respects it fits.
"Playboys" see life as a game, not a process with some
underlying deeper meaning. And as long as it’s a game, they
want to be the ones holding the dice. Sometimes they win (the girl,
the money, the house, the car) with little or no effort at all.
But most of the time they crap out. They don’t seem to understand
that even when they’re on a winning streak if they keep rolling
those dice, "Snake Eyes" is just around the corner.
Summation
Who are men? We’re scoundrels, we’re
clergymen, we’re lovers, we’re fighters, we’re doers,
we’re haters, we’re believers, we’re liars. You can
deal with us, lock us up, marry us, divorce us, hate us or love
us. Either way, we’re not going anywhere.
by Fred Cuellar the Diamond Guy®
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